By Ari Novick, Ph.D.

(1) Take time off – Take a vacation or a long weekend. During the work day, take a short break to stretch. Walk, breathe slowly, and take a day off and go to the beach, and relax.

(2) Manage your time – Set realistic goals and deadlines. Plan projects accordingly. Do “must do” tasks first. Schedule difficult tasks for the time of day when you are most productive. Tackle easy tasks when you feel low on energy or motivation.

(3) Set limits – When necessary, learn to say “no” in a friendly, but firm manner.

(4) Choose your battles wisely – Don’t rush to argue every time someone disagrees with you. Keep a cool head and avoid pointless arguments altogether.

(5) Use calming skills – Learn not to act on your first impulse. Give your anger time to subside. Anger needs to be expressed, but it is often wise to do something that takes your mind off the situation. The break allows you to compose yourself and respond to the anger in a more effective manner.

(6) If appropriate, look for less stressful job options – But first, ask yourself whether you have given your job a fair chance.

(7) Take control of what you can – For example, if you’re working too many hours and you can’t study enough, ask your boss if you can cut back.

Don’t commit yourself to things you can’t or don’t want to do- – If you’re already too busy, don’t promise to decorate for the school dance. If you’re tired and don’t want to go out, tell your friends you’ll go.

Ari Novick, Ph.D. is Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and a certified anger management provider for both adults and adolescents. Dr. Novick is also an adjunct professor of psychology at Pepperdine University’s Graduate School of Education and Psychology. His corporate website is www.ajnovickgroup.com and his innovative online anger management class is available at www.angerclassonline.com

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By Susan Levy

Once upon a time there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day he was walking along the shore. As he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day. So, he began to walk faster to catch up. As he got closer, he saw that it was a young man and the young man wasn’t dancing, but instead he was reaching down to the sand, picking up something and very gently throwing it into the ocean. As he got closer he called out “Good morning! What are you doing?” The young man paused, looked up and replied ”Throwing starfish in the ocean.” “I guess I should have asked, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?” “The sun is up and the tide is out. And, if I don’t throw them in, they’ll die. “But young man, don’t you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it. You can’t possibly make a difference!” The young man listened politely. Then he bent down. Picked another starfish and threw it into the sea, past the breaking waves and said “It made a difference for that one.”

I read this many years ago and never forgot it. When I think of it and replace the starfish with a fellow human being, it speaks to me of kindness and empathy. It reminds me that I can make a difference in this world if I choose to.

If I can “get out of myself”, I am able to see more than my own limited perspective of any situation. I found this to be immeasurably useful in managing my anger.

If I am cut off by another driver, bumped into by a fellow shopper or snapped at by a coworker, I can pause and consider. Perhaps that person just lost a loved one. Could they be going through a painful divorce? Did they just lose their job? It definitely helps me to control the use of my anger when I pause to consider the other person’s point of view (empathize). It only takes a moment and can save a moment, a relationship or a life.

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The following video featuring Bill Moyer speaks about how anger may be perceived differently depending on who the anger is coming from. Mr. Moyer speaks about how anger is preached in American churhces both white and black and how Americans respond to those messages. He compares the anger of prominent white pastors to those of the former pastor of Barack Obama, Jerimiah Wright.

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By Susan Levy

Many years ago I was preparing to drive my son from New Jersey to Washington DC for his college orientation at George Washington University. I am punctual and able to put my needs out so others are clear with my intentions and behaviors.

I told my son, Scott that the plan was for us to leave at noon so we could avoid rush hour traffic in the states we’d be passing through. He is often late, so I made it very clear that noon was the time we would leave and if we couldn’t leave until later, we would make the trip the following day.

He helped me pack the car. I went to fill up the gas tank and he said he had just a few errands before we left. It was 11 am.

I got back home in about 15 minutes and he was gone. I remembered he said he needed a new pair of sneakers and wanted to say goodbye one last time to his girlfriend.

Noon came and went and he was still not home. Then he called and said he just needed “a few more minutes” to pick up a DVD he had left at a friends. One o’clock came and I called him to tell him he needed to come home immediately so that we could leave.

Needless to say, I was frustrated and getting angry at him and the situation.
He called once more and said he was headed home. He arrived home at 2:30 saying he was sorry, but he had bumped into a friend and they started to talk and the time “just got away from him”

By now I was really angry and feeling disrespected.

By the time we pulled out of the driveway it was 3 o’clock. I was silently fuming. I wanted to find a way to be less angry at Scott because I wanted a pleasant trip.

While he drove, I did a lot of thinking. Then, I had an “aha” experience. I realized that I wasn’t really angry at Scott at all. I was angry at myself for “giving my power away”. I had allowed my son to take control of the situation. I went back on my own intentions and ended up in the exact situation I didn’t want to be in – rush hour traffic.

How could I have handled it better? I could have owned my power and done what I said I would do: “Scott – since I allowed you to delay our trip, we will go tomorrow. I feel disrespected when you ignore my needs, but it is my responsibility to follow through on my words.”

I was stunned when I realized that almost every time I get angry at another person, I am really angry with my self because I have once again “given my power away.”

It is called “people pleasing.” It is a dishonest way of communicating and leaves the people pleaser very angry. Examples: Saying yes when you really want to say no. Being pushed into attending a party you don’t want to attend. Doing favors you really don’t have time to do. We, often unconsciously, adapt our behavior in a way that pleases other people, but makes us feel angry, disrespected and used.

Why do we do it? Many reasons. We may be too unsure of ourselves to express our needs. We will do what we don’t want to to avoid conflict. We want others to like us. We want to be seen as a “nice” person. Sometimes we fear the other person.

The best way to unlearn “people pleasing” behavior is to check in with yourself before you act. If you are doing a favor or helping a friend because you want to – then you are choosing to be authentic and congruent. If, on the other hand, your behavior has an “agenda” attached to it and you are acting on fear of conflict or wanting people to like you – you are people pleasing. Not only does this behavior result in anger, but also confusion and resentments in relationships.

Susan Levy is the anger management professional at Daybreak Counseling Service.

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If you are experiencing anger and grief due to the loss of a loved one or friend you are invited to take part of a anger, grief and loss seminar. The seminar takes place May 4th 2008 at Crusade Christian Faith Center in Inglewood, California. Many individuals have difficulty managing their anger while grieving.

Anger, Grief and Loss Seminar

When: May 4th 2008 @ 4pm
Where: Crusade Christian Faith Center
801 S. La Brea
Inglewood, CA

Amy Whinehouse, the British born Grammy award winning soul singer turned herself in to Holborn Police Station this weekend after being accused of assualt by slapping a man. She received a warning from the court after spending a night in custody.

The 26 year old singer has a history of drugs abuse and has particpated in at least 2 rehab prorgrams.

Alcohol and drug usage can limit one’s ability to manage anger.

According to a 1998 Department of justice report entitled Alcohol and Crime about three- million violent crimes occur each year in which victims perceive the offender to have been drinking at the time of the offense. These offenses include rape, robbery, aggravated assault and simple assault. It is interesting to note that 35% of the victims identified themselves as being under the influence at the time of the offense.

It is extremely common for someone to be ordered to an anger management class after an evening of a druken fit. Many management clients would benefit from substance abuse interventions as well as an anger management course.

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By Susan Levy

Most of us humans meander through life following the map their parents created for them. They often don’t pause or take the time and effort to appraise themselves to see if old thoughts and behaviors are still working for them working or against them.
Why? Because the thing that we are most afraid of and resistant to is “change”. Change can be awkward and uncomfortable – sometimes terrifying and emotionally painful. The most addicting thing of all is “familiarity”. We all love our comfort zone. It feels safe and it takes a lot less work to follow our original “map” then to look at ourselves and take stock of how well it is working for us. It has been said that “Most people die without ever knowing who they are”. We live on “automatic pilot” But, at what cost? We stay in the same airplane, viewing the same sights over and over and having the same experience repeatedly. We don’t learn anything new. We don’t grow. We don’t evolve into the best people we can be. Worst of all, until we are willing to look inside ourselves, we stay stuck in our old beliefs, thoughts and behaviors despite the reality that they may not be working anymore, or indeed are hampering our true happiness.

In many ways our fear of the unknown terrifies us into living life by “rote”. We stick to our beliefs and our world view and miss the incredible excitement and feeling of well being that comes from growing, learning new things and exploring. I think a lot of us would actually choose to take the risk of change, but don’t because they don’t know they are stuck in the terrain of their parents’ map.

If we do become “aware” (the key word) of this phenomenon at all it is almost always because we hit a wall with our old views. We suffer what is the only thing that makes people even contemplate change: “consequences”. We live in a rut, decorate it, and live unaware and sometimes smugly in our unchanging world – that is until we suffer a consequence of our old ways that is unacceptable to us. It takes enormous courage and willingness to examine ourselves, but nothing changes if nothing changes.

Over the years, for example, friends may have pointed out to you that the way you express anger is scary and they feel brutalized. You say:” That’s the way I’ve always been” or “That’s the way my dad was – if it was good enough for him, it’s good enough for me.”
We might keep losing important relationships due to our unrealistic expectations we’ve been taught (old map) or developed. We are unaware of our part in it and say: “Men are all jerks” or “I never met a woman I could trust”.

Worst, our anger or resentments might continuously become the cause of sabotaging loving relationships, estrangement from family, or trouble with the law. We may have become hostages to confusion or fears or low self-esteem. We know our life is not working, but we don’t know why.

Whether you’ve made a decision to become more enlightened or have experienced hurtful or harmful consequences of your behaviors, there is a solution.

CREATE A NEW MAP. Create it based on your own needs and experiences and dreams.You deserve to follow your personal guide that works best for you and, even though you don’t believe you have the capacity to do this because of unawareness or fear. You can do it.

I know you can, because I did it. Take out a sheet of paper or do it online – Start the map from where you are right now in your life. Then draw on it the kinds of experiences you want to have – you get to choose the way and the destination. Certainly thank your parents for their map which helped you survive in your family of origin, then take the controls of your airplane.
We are not victims. We are responsible for our happiness. And whether it’s an epiphany or a jail cell that causes you to be willing to change, you can decide at any moment to create, love and travel through the years with your personal journey mapped out by you.

Susan Levy is an anger management professional at Daybreak Counseling Service. Susan teaches Anger Management Classes at Daybreak -West, Santa Monica Office.

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http://myspace.com/angermanagementeacher
310-995-1202

YOUNGSTOWN — An Ohio State Penitentiary corrections officer found guilty of disorderly conduct, reduced from assault, must attend anger management counseling.

Michael Robinson, 42, of Marion, decided to forgo a jury trial Monday in municipal court and entered a no contest plea to the disorderly charge. A municipal court jury previously found him guilty of resisting arrest.

Bret Hartup, assistant city prosecutor, called Robinson’s conduct “abhorrent” during the arrest and recommended 45 days electronically monitored house arrest on the resisting conviction. He said the victim in the assault case did not want to speak prior to sentencing.

Bo Pritchard, Robinson’s lawyer, asked for leniency, saying Robinson served 11 years in the Army and was selected Officer of the Year in 2006 at the prison. In 42 years, Robinson maintained a clean record, the lawyer said.

Pritchard said he’d like to see both convictions treated as one case for purposes of expungement.

The assault and resisting arrest happened at the supermax prison on Coitsville-Hubbard Road. The assault involved the grabbing of another corrections officer in September 2006; the arrest related to that charge took place in April 2007. The charges against Robinson, hired at the prison in August 1999, were investigated by troopers from the Ohio State Patrol post in Southington.

Robinson told Judge Elizabeth A. Kobly that he takes pride in what he does, adding that’s why he was voted officer of the year. He said he put himself in a predicament.

“You’re going to have days when people push you to the limit,” Judge Kobly told Robinson. Of resisting arrest, she said, “To say you reacted badly is an understatement.”

The judge said there are days when people in court push her to the limit but she is expected to act in an appropriate manner.

Robinson must attend anger management counseling and serve nine months monitored time, previously called non reporting probation. The judge also imposed fines and jury fees of $1,895.

Robinson’s actions were investigated internally in 2006 and he received no discipline, a prison spokesman said after the arrest. Had he received jail time, the warden would have considered how to approve the time off.

After court Monday, Robinson had no comment.

Pritchard said the original incident was overblown and termed what happened as horseplay. He said there was no intent by his client to physically harm anyone.

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