By Beth Banning
Co-author, Neil Gibson
What's missing with "anger
management," "anger control," and "dealing with
anger?" Why not use these anger management techniques if
you're angry? They miss the upside of anger: how to use
your anger to create the life you truly want. No, is not
about becoming that "angry man" or "angry woman" who
scares people into submission. Here you'll find
something much more enjoyable: the secrets for getting
to the heart of anger and a simple process for using
your anger to create a truly satisfying life.
Do
you ever feel guilty or confused when you get angry? Do
you look for reasons that justify your anger? Anger is
not the problem. And guess what, neither are you. You
heard right. Anger is not the problem. The problem is
not being able to identify what it is that makes you
angry so you can do something about it. Read on to
discover how you can get the heart of anger so you can
use your anger to help create the life you really want.
"What makes me so angry?
We
usually become angry because two things are happening.
First, we believe that someone or something is
preventing us from getting what we want. Second, we
believe that something either should or should not be
happening the way it is. This
thinking focuses our attention entirely on limitation
and fear.
Think about it, if all of your attention is focused on
not getting what you want, and what should or shouldn't
happen, how would you expect to feel? Is it any wonder
this kind of thinking results in stress, tension, and
confusion? How else would you feel but angry?
When you learn that all anger comes from focusing your
ttention on these things, then your anger can become a
warning bell that you need to re-focus your attention.
So that's the upside of anger: it's always a reminder to
focus your attention on creating the life you want.
Here's an example: Pat was waiting for Leslie at their
favorite restaurant. They agreed to meet at 7:15. After
waiting for 20 minutes, Pat began to feel a little
angry. "Leslie knows I hate waiting. We had an
agreement. How selfish ... Not even a phone call
to explain ... I'm only waiting another five minutes and
then I'm leaving ..." Pat thought. And the more Pat had
these thoughts, the angrier Pat felt.
Let's explore these thoughts that made Pat so angry. It
sounds like Pat believes that Leslie should not be late
if they had an agreement, that the evening would be
ruined by Leslie's late arrival, and that if people
really cared about each other they would call and
explain the sudden change in plans.
When you focus your attention on limitations and fear as
Pat did, anger is an understandable response.
"Then what do you suggest I focus my attention on?"
We
believe that lying beneath people's anger are things
they value that are missing in the situation. The most
effective way we've found to move from feeling angry to
creating a satisfying life is to start by figuring out
what's at the heart of anger - what we value. In this
situation one thing Pat may highly value is
peacefulness. So what prevents Pat from being peaceful
in this situation? It may be that Pat needs more
predictability in order to have a sense of peacefulness.
Once you know what you need, you're able to take action
to get those needs met. As one example, Pat may want to
make an agreement with Leslie to call if either of them
will be late.
"So,
how can I use this in my life?"
The most effective "anger management" starts with
understanding that anger is not the problem. Next you
can begin to notice the very first moment when you start
to feel tense or irritated. This is the best time to use
your anger as an alarm bell, warning you to shift your
focus of attention. Then you single out any
should/shouldn't, judgment type statements you hear
yourself thinking.
Once you have a statement to work with, you get to the
heart of anger by exploring each of these statements.
You discover the hidden values within it, like how Pat
values peacefulness. When you identify what you value,
you ask yourself the question: "What do I need in order
to experience what I value right now in this situation?"
Like Pat's need for predictability. Then think of some
ways you might be able to get that need met and start to
experience what you value. The same way Pat and Leslie
agreed to call if they were going to be late.
Don't look back in anger at what's just happened; look
ahead to see how you can get what you need so you will
start experiencing what you value. When you focus your
attention on what you value, what you need, and how
you're going to get those needs met, anger can be
transformed into an opportunity to create a truly
enjoyable where you experience what you truly value.
